Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. (Psalm 55 v22)

It was shortly after Christmas a few years back, and I was feeling a little low.  I wrote the following:

“I remember writing before being a Christian that I didn’t feel like a sinner – but somehow now I feel more and more like one! I’m moody and irritable,  I’m gloomy, and when I’m despondent it’s hard for me to cheer up.  I selfishly want someone else to cheer me up for me – and I tend to sulk.  Then I realise this and think ‘well I’m not very nice am I!  I don’t deserve God’s love’  and then I get depressed – and I think, ‘I shouldn’t be depressed, God’s forgiven my sins’ and that makes it worse – because I haven’t!  and then I feel guilty about it – wallowing in self-pity!  Pathetic isn’t it.

And then I think, ‘this is all I  I  I  – what about other people.  Pull yourself together, and cheer yourself up’.  And then I think, ‘well isn’t this what God is meant to do?  Well my faith can’t be very good because I’m still miserable’,  and then I think ‘why do I have to keep thinking about these things – why can’t I just accept his love and let that be that.’

And how can I accept God’s love if I don’t do anything for him in return.  So I have to relearn that I don’t win God’s love through works – but through grace …..  and I’m back up a couple of paragraphs!”

I felt a bit better when my wife couldn’t stop laughing as she read this.  And then I prayed and ‘cast my burden on the Lord’.  I asked for His help.

And what happened?  Suddenly I found this conversation going on in my head – I was raising the points above, and instantly I’d get a reply! Something like

Me – “How can I accept your love?”

Reply – “Don’t be so stupid – you know I love you unconditionally”

Me – “But what do I do to deserve it?”

Reply – “Nothing – just accept it”

And so on for a little while, and then

Me – “is this me replying to myself or God talking to me”

Reply – “what do you think?”

Me – “but couldn’t I just have a little proof”

 And suddenly I felt a very brief but extremely powerful emotion – I can’t really describe it.  But suddenly I felt peaceful again.  And I know again that God’s there ready to pull me up out of the next trough.

 Thank you Lord for being so patient and so loving.